THANK YOU FOR CALLING SALLIE MAE, YOUR ETERNAL HAPPINESS IS IMPORTANT TO US


Thank you for calling Sallie Mae. Please make a selection from the following options:

  • To inquire about our student loan services, press 1 now.
  • To listen to your remaining loan balance, press 2 now.
  • To make a payment on a loan, press 3 now.



The total remaining balance on your loan is…SEVEN HUNDRED and TWENTY-THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS, SIX-HUNDRED and SIXTY-SIX CENTS.

You are TWO-HUNDRED and TWO YEARS into an estimated FOUR HUNDRED and THIRTY-TWO YEARS on your current income-based payment plan.

  • If you have run out of survival gel, press 5 now.
  • Otherwise, to return to your options, press pound.

 



A new shipment of survival gel is on its way, and a total of TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS has been added to your loan.

Remember, it is your responsibility to order and ingest survival gel for the life of your loan. Rush orders of survival gel will incur a processing fee of THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS.

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Congratulations on your new loan!

We offer educational paths in a variety of exciting fields such as music theory, film theory, theater theory, and cyclical universe theory, the theory that the universe ceaselessly repeats itself in the exact same way, forever expanding and contracting like the lungs of a great and terrible beast.

Every decision you make in this life is for forever, has been for forever, WILL BE for forever. Every moment you’ve ever experienced is an eternity. You’ve listened to this automated sentence an infinite amount of times—and will.

Then again even if the theory is wrong and this universe only happens once, wouldn’t it be indistinguishable?

Welcome to infinity.

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To make a payment on your loan, please select one of the following options.



I’m sorry, that is not a valid selection.

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Thank you for your payment. The amount of NINETY PERCENT of ALL FUTURE INCOME has been recorded and is effective immediately.

  • To listen to your remaining loan balance, press 2 now.
  • To inquire about our student loan services, press 1 now.
  • To speak to a representative, please press 4.


  • If you have not made a payment on your loan, please press 1 now.
  • To hear about educational opportunities you may be eligible for, press 2.
  • To speak with a representative, press 0.


A representative will be with you in a moment. Your estimated wait time is SIXTEEN MINUTES and TWELVE MINUTES.

(Wait 28 minutes before proceeding.)

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Thank you for calling Sallie Mae, your eternal happiness is important to us.

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♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫♬

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Thank you for holding, my name is BC73, how may I assist you today?
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I’d like to hear about loan forgiveness.

I need help setting up a different payment plan.

The survival gel is giving me daymares. The sun is a black serpent, threshing and consuming itself; an event horizon whispering unknown and horrible languages that make my bones go cold. Also, I’m going to be late on my payment next month.


Loan forgiveness, also known as “loan transfer” is available to those customers with healthy offspring under the age of eight. Oh…It appears as though you already participated in our sterility program which granted you a month of reduced-payment, so you are not currently eligible for this program. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

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I’m sorry, it appears as if you already selected our 90% payment program, so you are unfortunately not eligible for another payment plan at this time. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

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I can certainly help you with that today, let me just send you back to our automated system.

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ǫ̴̡͈̰̝̖̫̮͇̬̟͙̱̞͇̻̖̫̱̭͕͕̟̻͈̖̜͕̲̠̣͖̲͖̯̳̟͇͍̝̟̰̻͗͒͒͑̈́͗͋̂̄̏͌̄̈́̓͗͆͊̏͘͘̕͝ͅĝ̶̛̛̛̖͚͓͓͔̭̰̊͂̑͂͌̊̑̈́̇͊̐͌̒̃͐͂̿̾̆̉̒͌̌͋́̚͘̕͘͘͝g̷̨̢̛̦̩̞̗̹̼͈̣̫̲͓̙̭̠͓͖̜̼̠͓̙̳̞͇̙̥̹̻̫̥͇͚̱̼̯̣̩̞̖̱̮̳̝̑̀͛̂̍͋̃̇̃̈̊̀̃̿́̌͋̾̂̋̈́͌̃̈̈́͋̇̈̀͗̆͘͘̚̕͠͝͝ơ̷̧̡̧̹̲̬͍͔͎͎͍̹͓̖̩͚̣͖̹͉͍͕̼̖̫̪͙̱̫̹̤̗͓͈̣̜̗͚̺͉̺̤̗̘̾̿̔̾̏̈̅͛̇͐̽̂̅͋̐̒̾̈́̽̿̓͑́̈́́̉̋̒͑̋̊̓̋̚̕͘͜͜͝͝͠͠͠ͅͅͅğ̶̡̧̛̠̳̪̺̹̦̻̝̺͈̺̑̓̉͒̋̃̈͛̒̾̃̾̐̈́͑̊͌͛̏̊̐͌̉̕̚͠͠ơ̷̡̛̛̛̻̩̼͉͈͕͔͚̜̝͎̘̩̼̲̱̜̰̮͖̳̦̩̺̲͔̦̏͊̊̇͑̈͊̽̔̇́̿̑̄̏̀̅̅̇̐̈́̀̐̈̋́͘͜͜͝ͅͅͅͅg̵͓̪͍͉͙̦̫̲̳̖̫͎͔̭̯̖̹̪̲̯̩͙̞̠̜̣͍̥̰͈̠̗̲͗̽͐̀̂̊̎̐̈͋͒̌̃̄̈́̈́̿͐̑͆̿͑̎̅̃̊͆̀̋̚͜͜͠͠ǵ̷̜̺̲̥͖͓̣̖̋̈́̊̓̅̐̇̏̈́̚͠ǫ̷̧̛̛̼͎̩̦̩̗̰̣̦̭͚͙͚͕͇̟͕͔̈́͌̒̀̋͌̓̓̀̂̅͑̆̏̿̀̊̉̄̂̉͑͊͒̈̚͘͝͝͠ͅͅg̷̨̡̢̛̳̰̘̱̻͎̙̘̹͕̳̫̯̱͇̩͉̃̂̐̒́͆͐̑̂̑͒́̓͋̇̓̌̋͛̅́̓́͌͌͗̀̏͑̄̆̏̄͗̕͘̚̕̕̕͜͝͠͝͠͝͝͠͠ǫ̶͔̙̻͕̖̖͚͔̮̠̯͍̤̯͓͇̟̗͔̊̓̓̇̏̈̎̽̔̇̄͊̒͘͝͠g̷̛̣͉̣̞̗̠̺͇͕͂̄͋̍̇͌̓̎̋̈́̀̔̎̀̊̍̿̔̄̊͐͆͑̉̇͛͒̌̾̋̾̔̍̊̌̿͘̕͘͘͘͝͝͠͝ͅģ̶̧̧̢̛̮͇̪̤͉̥͔͖͔̭̮̱͉̖̩̼̳̰̟̖̣̪̜̖̫͑͂̎̽͊̋́̋͒͊͆͗̐͆͐̃͂̽͑̇̂̒̂̓͐̈́͘͜͠͝͠ͅͅơ̸̢̨̩͇̙͉̲͎̝̜̳͎̊͋̔̓̊̔͆̅̔̍̎̈́͛̇̄̂̈́̅̐͐̓͗̎̽̍̍̇̏͘͝ģ̷̧̢̟͙̝̳̼̩͉̊̏͋̀̽́͊̂̇̀̇̈́̓͛̈́͛̏̈̀̏́͊̂͐̉͋̈́̀̋̽͐̐̍̆̽̏̔̀͘̕͘͝͝

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Thank you for expressing your concerns regarding O̸͍̊U̶͓̺̅̒Ř̵̗͚O̶̥̊B̷̦͈̾O̸̠̺̊̕R̸͈̒̂ͅO̴͔̝̔̀S̶͓̠̽͠, and THE WHISPERER.

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Remember, it is your responsibility to order and ingest survival gel for the life of your loan.

If you have run out of survival gel, press 1 now.

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Are you still there?

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If you have run out of survival gel, press 1 now.

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Are you still there?

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I’m sorry, suicide is a violation of your loan contract.

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Come back from the light.

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Come back.

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Come back now.

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Congratulations, you are alive.

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You were deceased for NINE SECONDS.

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A total of TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS and NINETY-SEVEN CENTS has been added to your loan total.

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Welcome back.
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