[RFY] — Oregon officials released a press bulletin this morning outlining a plan to send the Vancouver teen to Pyongyang.
“It was a unanimous decision,” commented one official. “I mean he’s a total dick hammer, don’t get me wrong, but he’s also like, the fuckin’ Prefontaine of ruining shit. Why waste natural talent?”
The boy in question, responsible for taking a giant flaming destructo-dump on Eagle Creek, starting a massive forest fire, will be air-dropped over the rogue state later this month.
[RFY] — Researchers were stunned to come across a Portland Bartender deep in the Amazon Jungle last week.
“He must have wandered all the way down here while staring at his phone,” remarked Julia Christensen, an expert on both Amazonian primates and bartenders from Portland.
“What’s remarkable, is how despite adapting to life in the Jungle—surviving off rotten fruit and termites—this particular Bartender seems to have retained its occupational instincts. For instance, I walked right up to a branch it was sitting on and it just looked off into the distance, ignoring me.”
“I know he saw me,” commented another researcher, “He totally made eye contact with me, but then walked off like I wasn’t even there.”
Researchers have dubbed the misplaced Bartender ‘Rocko’ and transported him to a holding cage at The Portland Zoo, until he can be released back into a suitable establishment.